SCQ: Losing Touch

Before I step under center and assume the role of Swivel Chair Quarterback, I must take a moment to toot my own winner-picking horn. If the Seahawks take care of business tonight against the visiting Packers, I'll close the weekend at a 10-3 mark--not bad at all. (Particularly rewarding, by the way, were the Buffalo and Tennessee picks. The Giants, whose utter implosion I duly anticipated, are FINISHED.)

Those New York "Football" Giants were hardly alone in the "Uh-Oh" category this weekend. In fact, today's SCQ is all about statement-making losses:

Buffalo 27, Jacksonville 24
Statement: We, the Jacksonville Jaguars, no longer deserve to be considered a legitimate AFC contender. Despite a healthy dose of early-season hype, we have begun to show our truest colors--which happen to be camouflage. Our defense, the supposed anchor of our team, could not even hold a 4th-quarter lead against the mostly average Buffalo Bills. What's more, we can't win on the road. With a 6-5 record, we have no chance of gaining home-field advantage and thereby contending the playoffs. Heck, at this point, we have little hope of even making the postseason. Oh, how far we've fallen.

Baltimore 27, Pittsburgh 0
Statement: We, the defending Super Bowl champions, are now officially a non-factor. Our QB has pulled a complete tank-job, our tried-and-true RB retired at the end of last season, and our coach may well be on his way to N.C. State. Were it not for the presence of class-act wide receiver Hines Ward on our roster, there would be absolutely no reason for anyone to pay even the slightest bit of attention to us.

New Orleans 31, Atlanta 13
Statement: We, the perennially disappointing Atlanta Falcons, and our quarterback (well, sort of) Michael Vick, hereby resign all future right to hang our helmets on the overused "Hey, he led us to a playoff victory at Lambeau" defense. It is readily apparent that we lack all of the following: NFL-worthy wide receivers, the slightest vestiges of a defense, general direction, and a discernible identity. Half the people "out there" swear that we're a few tweaks away from being a legit Super Bowl contender; the other half believe that we're a few weeks away from requiring a complete overhaul. At this time, we plead the 5th.

Washington 17, Carolina 13
Statement: To all those pundits and prognosticators who predicted that we would represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, we, the Carolina Panthers, formally say, "Haaaaaaa!" Despite the fact that our team includes the league's best receiving combo and its scariest defensive end, our running game continues to be anemic, and our tackling is...well, horrible. We simply cannot figure out how to parlay a great coach and considerable on-field talent into wins. But hey, there's always next year.

New England 17, Chicago 13
Statement: Despite standing at 9-2 and remaining at the top of the NFC shuffle, we, the Chicago Bears, will continually fail to garner respect until we demonstrate two things: 1) that our offense consists of something more than a sometimes-Peyton, sometimes-Eli quarterback, and 2) that we can post a bona fide signature win. If we fail to do these things, we will bring to mind the New York Giants, circa Super Bowl XXXV, being summarily whipped by a superior AFC opponent. Some will go so far as to argue that we would not even earn a playoff spot were we in the AFC, despite the fact that we may very well win the sterile NFC.

Tennessee 24, New York Giants 21
Statement: We, the Giants, are currently in a state of turmoil. Our coach has lost all control of the team. Our soon-to-be-retired running back continues to lodge (justified) complaints about his lack of inclusion in the offense. And, most disturbingly, our handpicked #1 quarterback is...for lack of a better word...awful. We hereby forfeit our Super Bowl aspirations, as well as our claim to the NFC East crown. Henceforth, we shall fight in earnest to salvage a playoff spot. Oh, and while we're here, we'd like to invite everyone to Tom Coughlin's farewell party. Bring dip!

Minnesota 31, Arizona 26
Statement: Goodbye, Dennis Green. Hello, high draft pick. We, the Cardinals, would love to sit and chat, but we're off to plan for next season's "Maybe 10-6, Probably 6-10" parade.